Historic Love

My dear Stefaniak,
Where's your clit?
The husband can'nae locate it.
He brandished shears and secateurs
Yet naught could overcome such fur!

He even tried to tame the fur
By off''ring sacrifices.
But the complex ploy had no avail
And failed like other devices.

One day whilst trooping through the forest
He came across a droplet.
Well, not a droplet more a pond
And a single hair of palest blond.
'What blasphemy is this?!' he cried,
'Stefaniak babes has told me lies!'
And so he took his life and died
Within that curly jungle.

Oblivious to her husbands demise,
Stefaniak rose up to her knees
Emitting a deep and throaty growl.
Up sprang a being so hideously foul
With hair that shone like winter Sun.
Slathering and salivating,
Bubbling and spraying,
Dribbling and splashing
Two became one.



This dedicated to Rozz! I totally blame her for my distorted mind ^_^
Please see http://orgasmsavailablehere.blogspot.com/!!

Revision or ramblings....

Revision and exams should be obsolete in this day and age.
Gcses have been rendered totally irrelevant due to the beautiful existence of the internet!
You certainly do not need to memorise the names and dates of historic battles when you could simply type the query into google and receive 14,345,693 search results in 0.13 seconds.
So why should teenagers have their youth and vitality leeched from them by crusty exam boards?
Instead of soaking up seemingly pointless facts, the young of today should be taught skills. Trades, arts, logic! Teachers should focus on nurturing talent instead of ramming useless knowledge into our unresponsive craniums. Yet, for some reason, they still insist that it is vital for us to remember just how many moles Hitler posessed on his remaining right testicle.*
And yes, Hitler did only have the one. The left was blown off in the Battle of the Somme.
You see! There it is again! Pointless piddly pockets of information that can only ever be of use while playing along with QI or University Challenge. (As a self proclaiming geek, I confess to both acts of dorkdom :) )
Well... I guess I'm just bitter! And I apologise about how this has blatantly transformed into a rambling criticism.
I seriously ought to return to the conglomerate of history notes that await me on my bed. For any other girl there would be a hot boyfriend waiting for them, but for me? Textbooks. Says it all.
You know, maybe I'm just tetchy because I'm not getting any...
Aahhh, you see, this is what they do not teach you at school. This is where they are all going hideously wrong!
There should be classes in 'The Art of Seduction' and, for the more mature students, courses in the 'Karma Sutra'. The meaning of life has never been 42.... it's to create more life! So, why are we not taught the best way of going about it?
And pleasure. You only live once, for goodness sake, so stop being so darn embarassed about enjoying yourself. I would giggle so much if they taught w*nking tips at school.... or lectures on 'How to give good head' and 'Where the hecky is my clitoris?'
People should be more open about there sex lives.
I have just realised how explicitly off topic my supposedly innocent rant about revision appears to have become. Ah well... I don't care!! It's obviously something I want to tap about :)
Maybe it's just the British who are so incredibly introverted.
You can hardly imagine the Queen giving any juicy details about the rumpy pumpy between her and the hubby.
'After one retires to ones bedroom having enjoyed a simply charming afternoon tea in the parlour, one reaches one's climax rather swiftly. However, if Prince Philip attempts anymore of his frivolous 'games', one will not be amused.'
On second thoughts, that is far too disturbing. Too many wrinkles. Ew.

I have no idea if it is possible to conclude these musings simply. So I won't.
Pahaa - it's irrelevent to everything but I'll post it anyway. I BLAME REVISION FOR DISTORTING MY THOUGHTS!!!!!!!
^_^
Gooooooood night people of the world!
Enjoy sex!


*if you wish to know anymore about Hitler's bollock, follow this link! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler_Has_Only_Got_One_Ball

Dreeaaming?

Dreams are odd.
Odd is an understatement.
Dreams are total mindf*cks!!

Okay, so as you know I am a total whore for philosophy and the hamster powering my mind is high on proplus. So... what if dreams are simply another reality? Or maybe the dreamworld is reality and vica versa?

Ha. Now you're thinking.

Well, I'm going to tell you about a dream I vividly remember from the other night...

We were going to the theatre. Not sure what we planned on going to see but I was certain that it was something fancy because we were all swamped in fancy threads. Initially, there were three of us; W, S and myself. This merry trio were happily stepping in time down a narrow Venetian street with assymetric paving slabs, Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmscrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!!
It's J, someone who I have never really spoken to. Someone who I don't care for, but see most day in my geek classes.
J declares undying love and compassion for W, eyes alight with the burning flame of romance.
W is totally bemused and ambles over to me. Tbh, W thought J was a homo. For some reason, S is riddled with jealousy.

And then...

I suddenly feel incredibly self concious. I scanned the area, desperate for some kind of scarf or covering. R has appeared by my side, her face decorated in moustache, beard, monobrow and spectacles identical to how S and I once drew on her at a sleepover. A flash of inspiration! I peel off Rs monobrow and plaster it to my own forehead... in order to cover up the line of nine protruding eyeballs! Was I the only person who thought this to be obscure? Everyone was laughing at some unknown joke. We all clamber into the back of Js iddy biddy automobile. Nobody's at the wheel, but it didn't seem to matter.

All of a sudden we are at a showcase cinema. We buy our tickets in a vaguely conventional manner and then take our places in the ampitheatre....

~##~~Blurry blurry fuzz fuzz!!!!~~##~

Oh my God I had a monobrow! No, wait, Oh MY GOD I had nine eyeballs on my forehead!! OMFG J was hitting on W!!!

In real life, none of this could EVER happen. Of course, that is only if we are living in what we presume to be reality. What I'm writing here could simply be a figment of either your overactive sleeping imagination or mine!

So, if dreams are reality, then does it matter what you say or do when you are awake?
Wouldn't it be so nice never to worry about anything you do because you know it's not real?
You would be happier.
I think.
But then, I'm kind of disturbed by 'reality' if it involves 9 protuding eyeballs on my fod...

It was nice musing with you!


^_^

Cyber Stalking

*POP*

G says: hey!
*POP*
G says: hi?
*POP*
G says: .....
*POP*
G says: helo? daisyroo?
*POP*
G says: u ther?
*POP*
G says: wuu2?
*POP*POP*POP*POP*POP*POP*POP*POP*

Oh dear, it's 10.30, your tired, irritable and only stumbled on facebook in order to respond to a comment on your status...
You've already blocked dear G from contacting you on msn, yet somehow he hasn't gotten the hint yet :S. Poor G, he's not quite grasped the idea that he is the bane of your internet existence.
Sure, the lad means well. He has good intentions. He's probably just trying to be nice.

Should you reply? Or simply feign ignorance?

*POP*

There it goes again! What could he possibly want?

G says: thanx so much 4 helpin me the other day :)

Well, that's nice; maybe you should respond...

Dais says: You're welcome, G. :D

There, simple, you've not said anything that could possibly provoke or lead him on.

G says: tht was so gd of u! i shall hve 2 repay u i shal tke u out 4 a meal.
Dais says: Honestly, it was nothing. Don't worry about it! :)
G says: No i wnt to repay u. i cud be ur slave :P
Dais says: WTF?
G says: yh, il b ur slave 4 the day. il do whteva u wnt me 2 ;)
Dais says: ........
G says: LET ME B UR SLAVE!!!

You cast your wild eyes round in desperation, hopelessly searching for a way out, tryi-

*POP*

C says: omg! u wudnt believe it but B kissd a gal @ elements last night and they were snoggin aand i was realli upset cos i cud well hav been his gf but she dint stop to fink of dat at all so i left. i just left and went to the sofas and omg they folloed me ther nd i got so upset and left the place i just left cos it was so insensative wht they did i cudnt stand it and OMG elements r doin a prom for leavers its 5 quid we shud make leaflets to make evryone go nd i thnk W said mayb shed go and u shud come to its on july 10th please say ull go plz plz plz ........................



Oh dear Lord, you just want to go to sleep!!
Everytime you pop on facebook you are subject to an onslaught of illegible word vomit from people who you neither like nor care for. It sounds harsh... but they never give up!
They type and type and type endless amounts of gabble until the *POP*s begin to resemble the sweet sound of machine gun fire.
You find yourself carefully scanning the chat list before you dare continue your route through the depths of sunny cyberspace.
You live in fear for your internet social life as these parasites storm your browser.
You panic. Your breathing becomes shallower, faster. The hairs on your arm stand on end.
You SCREAM!!!

Cyberstalking...
Don't do it children.



Okay, so I'll admit that this post got a little strange towards the end... I think I am exhausted from a hectic day of theatre and the family :)
But still, my own personal cyberstalkers deserve restraining orders! They simply won't p*ss off!! Yes, this is developing into a rant... but I'm sure there are lots of others in a similar situation.
This post is based on a true story experienced by moi tonight.
(In the words of Mrs Wesley-Gibbs)
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

Night night xx

Lets get PHILOSPHICAL!!

I love Philosophy!

Okay, scrap that...

I love asking Pointless Questions!

Well, the current theory plaguing my restless cranium is the 'Brain In A Vat'. This is basically the idea that reality is simply a figment of our overly stimulated imaginations and that, instead of being fully fledged human beings, we are, in fact, brains residing in vats of nutrience.

Scary stuff, huh?

But it makes sense!

Focus on your hand. Observe the patterns on your skin; wrinkles and moles and hairs e.t.c.

Flex it. Poke someone with it. Do whatever you like.

And then think, 'How is all of this happening?'

If your brain controls what you see, feel, do and believe, then what is to say that you haven't just imagined everything you have just done?

Ok, so we've established the theory itself, now lets start delving!

Why would we all imagine the same thing?

Hmm... I have two ideas!

Its possible that everything that ever happens is simply confined to your own unique brain, suggesting that you have created a whole universe to satisfy your ravenous mind. Well, congratulations! If that is the case then you would need a force that was pretty powerful.

But I think that all sounds a little lonely.

So, I would prefer to think that our envatted brains are all being nourished on the same fluid diet and are receiving equal electrical pulses. This would mean that we have all 'imagined' ourselves into the exact same world but, as every brain is unique, we have all taken the form of many individual homosapiens.

It's a funky hypothesis ^_^

Sooooo, if we 'imagined' ourselves here... Why does it suck? :/

Ha! Well, I guess wherever these brains may be, there must be something or someone that put them there. It is very possible that our lives are being manipulated by a bunch of alien like existences. Therefore, they would be the ones deciding what sort of nutritional liquid we must receive and seeing what our brains respond to best. Of course, they would experiment with slight variations either per brain or time or whatever and these would provoke such emotional reactions from time to time. And the brains would think stuff up for themselves too....

It's worrying to envision how we became brains in vats in the first place.

And what is the purpose of a group of aliens storing approximately six billion brains?

And, if you had that many brains, where the hecky would you put them?

MmmmmMmmmm Brains!

I'm going to stop on that note before my own brain overheats!

However, if you have any ideas/questions/comments then feel free to abuse me until I give a palletable response.

TTFN!

(omg - I am sooo proud! My first real post!!)

^_^

Good Morning Starbucks.....

Facebook, Bebo, Myspace - I have them all!

However, today I was informed of the delights of blogging...

'Blogging?! Why, that's sheer liquid wonderment!' I mused whilst shovelling down dorayaki in Yo! Sushi.

So, here I am:

Young, ambitious and addicted to coffee ^_^

So what do I write on here?

A miscellaneous collection of ramblings and rantings?

Confessions of love and life?

Philosophical explorations?

Stay tuned!

Or die.